Whole Cloth, Holy Cloth

I'm excited by this.

On Friday night, Mike and I went to see the film, Creating Buddhas, a one hour film that explores the intersections of sacred intention, creation, mastery, and divinity-- in textiles. The filmmaker, Isadora Gabrielle Leidenfrost, is a Ph.D student and textile scholar at the University of Wisconsin at Madison.

See me jump up and down excitedly because I know her. I was in one of her early films on storytelling when she was an undergraduate. She is a very special woman, creatrix, and visionary, as well as an expert and scholar. She has her own production company, Soulful Media and has already made ten films, some short and some longer, like Creating Buddhas. She mentioned she made one about church hats. I'll bet that is very cool. Her vision of bringing the soul together with fabric, textiles, thread, color and the act of creation is amazing and unique. Her vision is an art, a vehicle for understanding and reflection, and a pathway to spiritual awareness. Her energy gives this vision presence and voice.

Creating Buddhas tells us about fabric thangkas, the Buddhist tradition and craft of creating divine beings using fabric, cord, thread, and embellishments. It's a sacred act of creating a vehicle for the Divine to inhabit. It's an amazing process. This film also talks with the only Thangka master residing in the West, Leslie Rinchen-Wongmo and it follows over several months as she creates as Green Tara fabric thangka. The film brings together experts, practitioners, and others to talk about Rinchen-Wongmo's process of becoming a master as well as her present-day creation.

So absorbing is the story and the process, I forgot to look at this as a film to critique or review, but rather it is another view of Universe, the soul, and the way of creation. Through her films, the pathway is open for us to explore, experience, and be changed.

Felon Friends and Pen Pals: Reflections on the Lessons I Learned

As I related in a previous post, I had a prison ministry for several years. I learned a great deal about myself, about inmates and about the dedicated people who provide a service to inmates. This is a conglomeration of random lessons learned.

Prison and jail are not nice places. I know you are saying "DUH." I also know the inmates who wrote to me protected me from what they experienced. I had the naive notion that the majority of pagans were incarcerated by the unfair and punitive drug laws of this country. Wrong. Very wrong. The ones that wrote to me had done bad things and in some cases, very bad things. One of the rules I developed was to not ask what they did. It was better not knowing in many cases. Nevertheless, they proved to me they were sincerely seeking further education in the Craft. My weeding out process was fairly effective and rigorous.

That doesn't mean they wouldn't try to manipulate me. Prison life is all about manipulating the system. Keeping out of trouble, getting what you want, avoiding further punishment is what prison is all about. We desperately need prison reform in this country because it's all about containment and punishment. Most of the time, the only rehabilitation taking place is freed inmates are determined never to go back. Prisons and prison attitudes towards religion vary widely from state to state. Mail rooms in prisons can make or break a correspondence course. Many times, it was a struggle for the prisoner and me to convince the prison bureacracy that i was a legitimate teacher.

I developed what I consider some very good friends from this group of correspondents. One of my regrets is that I've lost touch with a few of them. I wish them well and hope maybe someday I'll pick up the pen and write, and that my letter will find them. Believe it or not, prisoners seem to get moved around a lot. Many prisoners even most that I worked with were not pagan until they came to prison. They either stumbled into it through a book or another inmate, or they observed inmates and wanted to know what it was. Some, truth be told, used Wicca as a way to scare other inmates and to manipuate they system. Some were lonely witches seeking same. My weeding out process was very effective in these matters.

When a prisoner gets out, they rarely stay in touch. I may get a call or two or a letter. Sometimes even an email. Fortunately and happily, their new life in the free world absorbs them and they don't need a reminder of their prison life. At least that's the way I look at it.

I learned that talking about a prison ministry to others, even in the pagan world would get greeted with judgment and dismay. At a couple of points, I asked for help from the groups I was in and was basically told that I was on my own. Many people counseled me to stop and it's rather awkward for your new lover to field a call from a prisoner when he didn't know you were doing prison work. We got over that but he has never been really comfortable with my felon friends.

Fortunately I found the pagan prison ministry group on yahoo groups and they were a great resource. There are a few good websites too. California has a pagan chaplain in its prison system. Mainstream religion does a much better job at this and they have really good resources that are translateable to pagan life and ethics. Get over your prejudices about mainstream religions, they have good people and good stuff and will help sometimes more than our pagan brothers and sisters.

I learned to have good, strong boundaries and to be a little harder. No is an excellent word and I should have said it sooner. I learned that I should have stayed small. I never went into the prisons as a pagan chaplain. I'd visited prisons to review their libraries and related programs and it was not something I intended on doing. Those who do are admirable!

My feelings about this today are a little raw because of a couple of lawsuits. Lawsuits happen, it's just ironic to get sued by the people you were trying to help. I don't want people who are contemplating a prison ministry to hesitate. It is good, satisfying work and it is desperately needed in our community. Go into it eyes wide open, without naive assumptions, with strong boundaries, and keep it small. You can't help everyone, you aren't responsible for the lack of response from the rest of the community, and you will work hard. And when you're done, end it in a way that honors you as a priest or priestess and honors your students (that was a do as I say, don't do what I did moment!) The gods will smile on you and bless you for sure.

Felon Friends and Pen Pals: How it all happened

It started with a naive assumption and a good heart. We were in a pagan group together and we wanted to connect with other pagans. So we listed our names and addresses in a directory of pagan groups. This was back in the day before the ubiquity of the internet, so--hooray!-- we made connections when letters started arriving.

Here's the kicker. The letters were from inmates seeking connection with other pagans. I laughingly called my fellow witch and said thank you for the new friends, calling them "felon friends." The name stuck as we referred to the burgeoning prison correspondence as "the felon friends." There weren't many and the few inmates had intriguing stories and seemed very sincere. We sent them our newsletter and wrote personal letters.

About that time, I started offering correspondence courses. As a matter of fact, three of the four books I've written and published started out as correspondence courses. You guessed it! A good proportion of the subscribers were incarcerated pagans. As I drifted away from my former group, the felon friends continued to write to both of us, or at least to me. Inmates would pass my name on to others and my correspondence grew. It was very absorbing work and I learned a lot about how to deal with inmates. There are few resources for pagans working with inmates and sometimes the advice came from the inmates themselves. Many of them became very protective of me, giving me advice about how to tell the sincere seekers from the manipulators and the fakes.

Most of the faithful writers were eager for correspondence courses. I did a Tarot course using Learning the Tarot, and I did a "God of the Month," using my then unpublished book, The Wild God. So one day I realized I needed to 'get real' about this ministry and act like it was a ministry. I organized myself and took my in person beginning Wicca class which I call The Initiation of Athena and divided up into chapters, wrote questions, and designed a course ending with a dedication. I figured it would take a year and a day. what I didn't figure was the different mail restrictions in different prisons and different states. What I didn't figure is the enormous time it took to review and comment on the questions, to answer letters, keep good records, to make the copies and to get to the post office.

At one point, I formed it as a coven, The Coven of the Barbed Pentacle. We had a newsletter and when someone finished the course, there was a self-dedication ritual and I made up a certificate. The first person to finish was very dedicated and it took almost exactly two years. It was a happy and proud moment for us both.

One of the inmates gave my name to a newsletter that went out to incarcerated pagans across the country. I had 100 people, mostly men, in 21 states. To run a correspondence service of this size took most of the weekend and evenings during the week. It took a good investment of money (for postage and copying) and time. Most inmates are destitute but a few would send money or stamps when they could. One of the newsletter issues was financed 100% by inmate donations. A proud moment.

I would get phone calls and sometimes inmates would pass my name on to their chaplains or others so I would get calls from chaplains asking for advice on how to accomodate those observing pagan and Wiccan religions.

I was a priestess to inmates for more than five years with little help from others (more on that later). It took a lot of time, effort, and expense. It was the focus of my spiritual work, my spiritual practice, and my understanding of service to the gods. It can be and was for me, a burn-out situation. Inmates are demanding, their stories are sad, and sometimes their manipulation is evident but sometimes not. If I skipped a weekend or missed a night of writing letters, I got behind. Their letters reflected anger, disappointment, dismay, and concern.

I was getting burnt out. I was getting further and further behind. In some ways, I set myself up for failure. The process I developed was very individual and based on a personal response so there was no way to make this a 'factory' approach. One day a letter from an inmate -- for whom I'd gone the extra mile -- arrived that was a screaming accusation about how I took his money and gave him nothing in return (I used the money for the newsletter) and that I was another in a long line of betrayers of his trust.

That was the last letter I read from an inmate, with one exception. Months went by, then a year. I don't throw the letters out. I keep them thinking one day, I will write a letter of apology and maybe refer them elsewhere. I didn't end my services to them with honor and I still feel remorse and guilt over that.

Meanwhile, I was getting phone calls from the Department of Corrections, asking for information on accomodating pagan inmates observences of their religion. Ocassionally they would want someone to come into the prisons and lead groups. Amazingly, I had been able to find people. It's a rare and wonderful person who has the right kind of skills to do that. Kudos to all prison chaplains, pagans or otherwise!

As a result of some of my consulting, I was named in a law suit last year; the defendant inmate claiming that I along with the prison chaplain and warden were violating his right to observe his . Luckily for me, the Department of Corrections added me to their consultancy list so I was represented by the state attorney general and didn't have to retain my own lawyers. I just filed documents, answered questions, reviewed documents. Eventually, the case against me was dropped.

Yesterday, a letter arrived at my work, marked "legal materials." It was from an inmate demanding I provide an affadavit for his lawsuit against the Department of Corrections. The letter questioned my credentials and abilities. But more upsetting was that this inmate had my work address because the DOC had sent him a copy of the fax cover sheet. My feelings on this are still rather raw. My sense of privacy is violated and my ability to keep this work separate from my work is also destroyed. Luckily, the people who opened the mail and saw the letter are confidential and trustworthy.

And so it will go on. In the next post, I will write some reflections on the process, the call to service, and what I learned from the felon friends.

Best wishes and be good, or at least stay out of jail. It is not a nice place.

Reinventing Ourselves the Rowdy Way

I just spend some time reworking the template on this blog. Sometimes, as Mouse complains about me, I point and click faster than my know-how grows. So I had eliminated something by accident that I wanted to reinstate. Took me awhile but I was able to do it.

Then I decided to give the blog a different look. I like the calm blues and grays of this template. To my mind, I just reinvented myself in my blog. And I think we can and do reinvent ourselves as we go evolve through our lives. If you think of who you were as you graduated high school or college and compare yourself to who you are now, you discover that you have had the opportunity to reinvent yourself, and thus create and recreate your life.

A few years ago, one of my colleagues who was really quite accomplished and had several careers across his lifetime, was ranting about how he has remained consistently the same throughout those transitions. Unlike me, he said, who has reinvented herself several times. How did he know. He took my bumper sticker, "Magic Happens," as a declaration of my ability to change and shift. It happens that he was right. I had taken the opportunity as I moved to a new job in a new town to create the person I wanted to be. I grew into it over the years as he had witnessed. Sometimes it is a way to grow into the kind of person you want to be. If you can envision it, know that you can become it, you can achieve it. Ghandi said, "be the change you want to be in the world." And this is a variation on the same thing.

Be that which you want to be. It hearkens to a magical principle in spell work called "behaving as if." You cast the spell and then you behave as if it has already happened until it comes into being. You decide what it is you want to be and then you behave as if. And like spell work, you have to seize every opportunity to do the work that achievement requires whether it is to get more training or education or to stand in your power and be the strong woman you envision. Envisioning is the first step in reinvention. Doing the work is the second. Third is recognizing when it happens and thanking the powers that made it happen, including yourself.

We as goddess people, shamanic practitioners, witches, pagans or just plain 21st century people are shape shifters. Perhaps we only become wolves, leopards, dolphins or earthworms in our dreams, meditations, or journeys but we do shift who we are over our lifetime. We have the power to do it if we believe it and step into that power of Be-ing. The rowdy way is to Be what we wish to be. It's not always easy and it's not always smooth, but it is always rowdy.

Of course if you have access to online avatar creators you make the process virtual.

Be the Rowdy Goddess you want to be in the world.

more on this later................

The Goddess Way Back Machine

Through the magic of technology, a draft of blog post I started on July 8th and was finished today was published on July 8th. It was about a cool tool found on the web along with a shameless plug for one of my books. There's a poem too.

So travel back in time to July 8th on this Rowdy Goddess blog for the wisdom, the joy, the laughter, and the really, really cool technology.

Blessed Be in Rowdy Wonder,

Gail

Understanding Life through Quotations

If you have read other blogs, you read something on journaling. I discover that my good intentions don't make me a dedicated journaling goddess. I used to feel guilty about it until I read some things about journals and grimoires in Patricia Monaghan's book The Wild Girls. She describes different kinds of journals:

• The common-place book: copying passages from other sources including books, poetry, movies etc.
• The Book of Shadows
• The sketch diary
• The daily Diary
• The Thought Diary or pensées in which you limit yourself to one sentence that distills all your spiritual knowledge of that day.
• The Poetry Diary in which you write one poem that summarizes your experience of the day
• Vision Diary: a record of your meditations, trances and dreams
• Nature Diary: a record of weather, sketches of plants, birds and other beings that help establish your connection to the environment and the natural world.

I find that I keep a variation of most of them. One of the longest journals I've kept is a quotations journal. I bought it in 1972 when I was in college. You can see from the picture that is oh so 70s in style and color. Too embarrased to write down my thoughts, I kept track of the quotes that captured my attention. A common place book, it's called!

I haven't been faithful but I have filled it. I've filled it with quotations that have captivated me, I've pasted in fortunes from fortune cookies, I've added the little cards you get with jewelry and other objects. It is a compendium of what I'm thinking about. As I look through it, I can see my growth, both intellectually and spiritually.

The first quote is from a book called The Rising of the Lark by Ann Moray a book, now out of print, I adored in high school.

What is longing made from?

What cloth is put into it

That it does not wear out with use?

Gold wears out, and silver wears out.

Velvet wears out, and silk wears out.

Yet longing does not wear out.

The moon rises, and the sun rises.

The sea rises in vast waves.

But longing never rises from the heart.

It's an 17th century Welsh poem that I've never been able to locate anywhere else. The last quote was added at the end of 2008. "your luck has been completely changed today."

I started a new quote book today!

May your day and your life be far from common-place!

The Goddess, With Chocolate
The Spirituality of Chocolate

I could write a lot about chocolate, as I'm sure many of us can. Chocolate comforts us, heals us, and makes us feel good. It's a delight to the senses with a pungent earthy smell and a delicious flavor. It combines well with other substances and flavors to bring us to a state of sensation and satiation.

Botanically, chocolate means "food of the gods," and it held a sacred place in the customs and rituals of native peoples of Central America. Our modern culture has worshipped chocolate, shaping it to our own beliefs. Women have a special affinity for chocolate and we know the Goddess infuses Herself into it.

Brieflly, and I'm sure there will be more later, the spirituality of chocolate is complex and powerful. Here is part of my vision of it, though I'm sure more is to be revealed:

• White chocolate corresponds to the Maiden
• Milk chocolate corresponds to the Mother
• Dark chocolate corresponds to the Crone

And before you think I'm employing M-M-C fundamentalism talked about in another post,

• Cocoa Powder corresponds to the Hag (more on Her later)
• Chocolate with nuts corresponds to the God

I am actively pursuing additional wisdom on the spirituality of chocolate. It's a sacrifice, something I do in service to All-That-Is. And I'm very glad the Universe has a good sense of humor as well as the good taste to bless us with this wonderful substance.

Happy Valentine's Day and may your day be filled with love and kisses, chocolate or otherwise.